I think, generally speaking, I am a pretty calm, reasonable person. I sleep well and sound. I usually feel rested and relatively balanced. Today, though, I woke up from a 10 minute power nap with a bit of a mini anxiety attack. Or just a blaring realization. That Beatrix, is, in weeks at least, turning six months this week! In calendar months, she's just about 5 1/2 months. Half way to one year!
And I'm sure that my thoughts and feelings are familiar to many mothers. Like them, I am dumbfounded when I think of where all the time went. And then I ask myself: Have I cuddled her enough? Have I snuggled in bed with her enough? Have I sang to her enough? Have I gazed into her eyes enough? Have I carried her around with me wherever I go enough? Have I enjoyed this short, sweet time enough? Have I savored enough? Recorded enough? Photographed enough? Oh gosh, I hope so. Did I witness it all? Impossible.
I know. She's only six months. The poor child still has a whole life ahead of her. There's still time, you know. To be there for her. To be a good momma. And I think I've already done the best that I can. However, I think back to the day we met her. I remember everything. The phone call. Calling Byron. Packing up the car. Driving and driving. The quilt shop that I used the restroom in. The landscape. Arriving at the hospital. Meeting our social worker in the lobby. Taking the elevator to the third floor. Zig zagging through the maternity ward where we had a chance to meet Beatrix's birthmother. Walking down to the nursery. Laying eyes on our daughter.
It all happened so fast. I remember the years we waited to become parents. It took a long time to find our child. I can't say I'm ready to let go of this baby that I yearned for for so long. Though, it's only natural progression. In a way, I'm thankful for the path to parenthood Byron and I have journeyed. We'd both love to have more children. But we know, that no matter how great our desire - our means are limited. If we are blessed to have another opportunity to adopt another child, we could be none the happier. There's no guarantee. And all the more reason to love this little girl up and savor each moment.
