It's been awhile since I've had a real heart to heart in this place. For some reason (there's always quite a reason), I just haven't been able to write here.
Maybe I've just needed some alone time. A quiet brain to sort through life.
I do know that I've been thinking a lot. Thank goodness, right? Trying to untangle the knots of what keeps me away. Slightly worried I'll never come back. Wondering what might take its place.
The thing is, I never want to pretend. And I don't want to say what's already been said, time after time.
Do you ever feel like you've reached the end of the internet? That every single article on Facebook says the same thing over and over. Seriously, I can not read one more article on positive discipline or tips to mindful parenting. I'm queesy just thinking about it. I'm exhausted by the bullet points. connection. playfulness. time in nature. blah, blah, blah.
Isn't that awful of me to speak about here? You might be wondering just how unmindful I really am. I can imagine you all unsubsribing to my blog right about now.
The truth is, over the last few months, I've let the outside world filter through into my home world, and I feel ashamed to admit this, but it's left dirty footprints all over my conscienence. And so now, I'm cleaning house, so to speak. Shooing all of the nasty thoughts of inadequancy out the door. They are not welcome here! Can you imagine that from time to time, I've almost come to believe that I haven't been a good enough mother? That I was screwing her up? That everyone was looking at and examining our failures? And let's not even get started on the presumptions of her being adopted. Big issues here!
It's kind of crazy, I admit. Honestly, I am tired of thinking about being everything I need to be as a mother. I'm burnt out on the task of "mother mastery". The noice of advice and to do's and parenting books and how to get it right has nearly stiffled my voice down to non-existence.
It's a bit overwhelming and exhausting. The thing is, I'm not a perfectly happy, cheerful, and patient mama. None of us are. It's okay! We get tired. Our children get tired. We have opposite needs when our cups run empty.
Also, while I'm on a truthful tangent -- I have other interests beyond parenting and early childhood education. I want to travel more. I want to read more. Maybe learn to become profiecient with at least one musical instrument. I want to bake bread on a regular basis again. I love to write and I adore photography.
When Beatrix is grown, I want her to remember me as a whole person. Mom in the garden. Mom rocking out to Patty Griffin in the kitchen while kneading bread or prepping dinner. Mom sprawled out on the couch reading the Sunday NYT. Mom trying to capture the sunlight as it filters through her fern.
I want her to see me not only as her mother (yes, who adores her beyond words) but as an interesting person to know. Someone with passions and layers upon layers of stories untold. I'm not saying we should all throw in the towel and be crappy parents and always put our own interests first before the needs of our families. No, there should always be time to reflect. We should take this on this role with sincerity and thoughtfulness. But what I am saying, is let it be. Forgive. Serve yourself. Find your joy. Then find your children, scoop them up, and love them completely for who they are. Trust in who you are. Trust in what you already know deep down at the bottom tip of your own heart.
I'm done with beating myself (and therefore, her) up. I'm tired of thinking there is something wrong with us. That we aren't like everyone else and caring about what we must look like to everyone else.
The truth of the matter is it's a dangerous habit to examine (and re-examine) our lives through a magnifying glass. Every flaw looks monstruous and overbearing. But really, when you toss the magnifying glass aside, and maybe even take a couple of steps back, the imperfections are what make our lives beautiful, authentic, and maybe even comfortably lived-in. So yes, my girl is a handful. An exciting, challenging, exuberant, strong, and hilarious, handful. But she's our little handful. We ALL have our hands full because really, what fun are empty hands.