Live Free

So Fast

I think, generally speaking, I am a pretty calm, reasonable person. I sleep well and sound. I usually feel rested and relatively balanced. Today, though, I woke up from a 10 minute power nap with a bit of a mini anxiety attack. Or just a blaring realization. That Beatrix, is, in weeks at least, turning six months this week! In calendar months, she's just about 5 1/2 months. Half way to one year!

And I'm sure that my thoughts and feelings are familiar to many mothers. Like them, I am dumbfounded when I think of where all the time went. And then I ask myself: Have I cuddled her enough? Have I snuggled in bed with her enough? Have I sang to her enough? Have I gazed into her eyes enough? Have I carried her around with me wherever I go enough? Have I enjoyed this short, sweet time enough? Have I savored enough? Recorded enough? Photographed enough? Oh gosh, I hope so. Did I witness it all? Impossible.

I know. She's only six months. The poor child still has a whole life ahead of her. There's still time, you know. To be there for her. To be a good momma. And I think I've already done the best that I can. However, I think back to the day we met her. I remember everything. The phone call. Calling Byron. Packing up the car. Driving and driving. The quilt shop that I used the restroom in. The landscape. Arriving at the hospital. Meeting our social worker in the lobby. Taking the elevator to the third floor. Zig zagging through the maternity ward where we had a chance to meet Beatrix's birthmother. Walking down to the nursery. Laying eyes on our daughter. 

It all happened so fast. I remember the years we waited to become parents. It took a long time to find our child. I can't say I'm ready to let go of this baby that I yearned for for so long.  Though, it's only natural progression. In a way, I'm thankful for the path to parenthood Byron and I have journeyed. We'd both love to have more children. But we know, that no matter how great our desire - our means are limited. If we are blessed to have another opportunity to adopt another child, we could be none the happier. There's no guarantee. And all the more reason to love this little girl up and savor each moment.  

Little Miss

As my posts attempt to reflect, being an adoptive first time mother is not so different from being just a plain ole regular first time mother. All of Beatrix's firsts mean the world to me. And I try to be present for her and our family as much as possible. She's the best reason to open my eyes in the morning. I could not love/adore a human more. On a moment to moment, day to day basis, I do not dwell on the fact that I did not birth her. Birthing her would change nothing about the joy she showers onto me each day.  But sometimes, just sometimes, I can't help but wish I could have. 

My good friend Little Miss Infertile is with me always. Sometimes she's considerate and polite and takes a back seat to my life. But like everyone else, she's not perfect in anyway. And so I have to deal with her, give her some attention, and make sure she knows I haven't forgotten her.  Ya follow me...? :)

Raising an adopted child is cake thus far, at least. Love is love and our capacity is infinite. Not being able to produce a child is still hardest hurdle I've had to overcome. One day, I'm sure, in the not so distant future, dear Bea and I will both cry together and hurt together about this unchangeable fact. Because just like I would have loved nothing more than to nurture her during her first nine months of life, I'm sure she will want nothing more than to know that her beginnings were just like everyone else's.  

Neither one of us will be able to change who we are. And so it's a hurt that we will both have to live with, to reconcile with, and to find peace with. The perfect beauty of all this loss combined between us is our point of interception. Of all of the points and of all the possible interceptions, this one could not have been more lovely or more right. 

Three weeks into it.

Beatrix will be three weeks old tomorrow.  I can not believe that it has been three weeks since we took the road trip to Amarillo. Three weeks since we met our daughter. Three weeks since we became parents. Three weeks since I've had a full nights sleep.  Three weeks since I've gotten into the routine of managing baby bottles and dirty diapers. Three weeks since I've had a little one with me constantly. Life is so good. My only complaint is that is goes too fast.  

Beatrix is growing and gaining weight. Last week, she had her two week check-up. She gained 13 ounces in one week! "Stop," I cried internally. I'm not ready to move on. I haven't had enough time to memorize her as she is now. Alas, there's nothing I can do to stop this wee one from growing into a not-so-wee one. Before you know it, she'll have clothes that fit her. Big sigh here.  

Since this weekend, I notice that Beatrix is really starting to stare at everything around her. Today, I had her in the Moby and I had to support her head as she leaned back. She was so interested in what was above us - a glorious white ceiling. She just could not stop looking.  I love to put her laying down beside a window because she just loves, loves to watch the tree limbs dance in the sunlight. Who needs mobiles when you have trees. 

Today I feel a little stressed.  There's so much I want to do for Beatrix. There's so much of all this I want to record. Because in months and years, I know I will forget what the "now" was really like. I want to blog and I want to journal and in my mind, those are two separate entries. I want to capture her growth with photos. She still needs a baby book - one that has space for her adoption story. I'd love to create that for her, but I feel like I just don't have the time. Instead, I've out sourced to a gal on Etsy. Oh, and then there's all the lovely little outfits I'd like to learn to make for her. I still want to send out adoption announcements. I've not yet finished my thank you notes. I need a diaper bag. I haven't seen anything I love, so I'm making my own. The list goes on and on. And right now, I'm not even working nor has The Natural Child started up. What will I do when I'm back working? What will I do if I ever have more than one child? Ahhh!!

That's just it. I feel like I've spent my whole life feeling overwhelmed by my shortcomings. There's plenty I want to do, I'm just...so...damn...slow.  When I was teaching full time, I remember working such long hours, because things that other teachers did in 30 minutes after school, seemed to take me hours. 

Alright, enough flipping out for the general public. All in all, I'm doing well. I don't even feel sleep deprived which is a big plus, I hear. Here's a few photos of darling Beatrix.

Speed Nesting

The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity and excitement.  Days that I know I will always want to remember.  I cannot get over the exuberant thrill, joy, love, generosity, good wishes that have been poured onto us.  I think the word "amazing" is way over used.  But I've got to say it today.  It's been utterly amazing!  It's been astounding.  It's been humbling.  So much goodness out there. 

On Thursday morning, I ordered a hammock.  I've read, hammocks are really helpful in soothing a fussy baby.  The rocking and swaying mimics life in the womb.  Plus, the hammock is portable.  It can be moved from room to room.  It can even be placed outside.  When we travel, we can take it with us.  

I have a selection of slings to choose from. Slings will be a necessity around here.  Especially once the fall comes and Lissadell and I are spending are mornings at The Natural Child Learning Community.  Two infants and ten preschoolers will definitely entail of some serious multi-tasking duties.  

My wonderful friend and fellow Montessorian in Maryland is rushing me a whole supply of the highly sought after Bum Genius 3.0 cloth diapers.  Her little girl just recently transitioned to underwear, so I'm getting like new cloth diapers at a serious discount.  Oh, thank you so much Kim.  Kim is a great supporter of breast feeding and has offered so much advice and encouragement on adoptive breast feeding issues. Most people do not realize it, but adoptive mothers can breast feed their babies too. I was thrilled to learn this as this has been a small area of sadness that accompanied our quest for adoption. I didn't want the baby to miss out on the bonding and nutritional benefits of breast feeding. Kristie, who is a pediatric nurse practitioner as well as a lactation consultant has also been very supportive of this quest. Since, she lives nearby, she'll be able to guide me through the process. I know I'll be calling her with questions, complaints, and hopefully good news! Imagine my luck to have so many informed girls at the tip of my fingers. I cannot get over how blessed I feel.  

Prior to being matched, a few of my friends, who knew I was interested in providing breast milk for my baby, recommended MilkShare. It's a website dedicated to helping women who have breast feeding issues find donor milk. So I signed up on Wednesday, not expecting much to happen right away. I figured it would take a few weeks or so to find a breast milk donor. Within hours, I received a message from a woman right here in Austin. She provided medical and blood work records to indicate that she was in good health. She's also a registered donor at the local milk bank which have very stringent requirements for its donors. I feel confident that she is an excellent donor candidate. She is a surrogate mother who gave birth to twins in December. She has been pumping since then enough milk for twins. She gave the milk to the twins for the first month. Then the twins and their family returned to Norway. She donated to the milk bank for awhile. Now she's working through Milk Share. She already provides a full supply for a three month old baby in San Antonio and has enough milk to supply for another infant. She'd love to give to us, because she doesn't have the freezer space to hold all of her milk. If we do not use it, she will have to throw it away! As of yesterday, she had 300 ounces waiting to be claimed! 

Whether I end up being successful at breast feeding is not a huge issue to me. I know it's a long shot. But providing the best nutrition for this little one who has already had a tumultuous start is an issue to me. I know formula is good. Heck, my siblings and I were all formula fed and we are all really healthy. But you know the saying, "If you know better, you do better." I feel that if I have the means to provide better, shouldn't I? So I am aiming to provide the liquid gold to this little one for as long as we can secure a supply.  

I think we are ready. We have all the important stuff in place.  We don't have a baby room complete with changing stations and what not, but we have what we need. Babies do not have material wants anyway...

So that's it, now we just wait for the call to depart for Amarillo.  Everytime I say "Amarillo" I hear George Strait ~ "Amarillo by morning, up from San Anton...Everything that I've got is just what I've got on." I've always really loved that song. 

  

On the Adoption Front

Our adoption process is going along smoothly.  Last week, Byron and I met with Janie, our social worker, individually for one hour each.  In hindsight, Byron and I cannot believe how easy going through this homestudy was.  Janie is just wonderful.  We both love her so!  Never did it feel intrusive, nosey, belittling, judgemental, or uncomfortable.  She just came by and hung out and got to know us.  Really, there was nothing scary about it.  She said the study should be complete within a month.  Very exciting! After the homestudy is complete, we will hopefully get final approval from the adoption agency. And then we just wait for a call...Very exciting!!!  

Begin a 2nd Post :(

Hmmm, Safari unexpectedly quit on me just as I was about to publish my new post.  Not good.  Let's see if I can recapture what was a profound and brilliant post that no one will ever have the sweet pleasure to rest their eyes upon.  

It went something like this.  I haven't blogged since the election. I feel very guilty especially since I have an upgraded version of Typepad that charges me $8 bucks a month.  Having a blog account and not using it makes me feel lazy.  I have many legitimate (ahem) excuses for not blogging. Here's a few:

• i've been busy retraining my brain not to habitually, obsessively check political blogs like Five Thirty Eight .  Doing that is a real drain on those creative juices required to keep up with the quirky and unforgettable blog entries.  
• been busy working. Not much fun stuff going on here. No good stories or pictures to upload.  
• thinking, instead of acting upon, all those Christmas gifts I told myself I'd make since here in this household we do it up old school. Yall ain't gettin' no gift cards from us. Under pressure, I don't perform, I freeze.   
• online thrift shopping - super time sucker.  Try searching for your most desired object on Ebay and see how long it takes you to find one seller you're willing to take a chance on and bid with. Think ebay is bad - Etsy's sight is designed to specifically to reduce productive output of your life. How can anyone get on Etsy's sight with the intention of spending a reasonable amount of time.  
• adoption application.  It's very hard for Byron and I to buckle down and to answer the questions and chase forms. We're not very good with information that requires being timely.  Tax returns, insurance claim disputes, cancelling consumer reports web reviews after we're done researching. All of those kinds of things - we are not real good at.  The ramifications of being tardy are abstract.  Lower credit rating, being saught after by the IRS, spending an unnecessary $5/month on a subscription we no longer need.  Well, somethings have to fall through the cracks sometimes, I tell ya. But with this adoption application everything is so much more pertinent.  No answering of questions related to discipline, morals, expectations, spirituality, no baby - it's that simple.  I've learned that I am much better at shopping for a baby (picking out things for the baby) than applying for one.  Ha!
• reading back entries of All Buttoned Up's blog . I've had my eyes out for a blog like hers. So fitting for me. I have to email her to say hi and wish her and her family well in their unexpected yet wonderful surprise.    

So what else, you might add, have you been up to?  Well, we got a new car.  I'm really excited, even though I'm trying not to be all new car worshipping and materialistic. But I admit it, new cars are nice. I spent a good portion of my life where having AAAPlus was a necessity. We got our use out of those 100 mile towing benefits. Take it for me, hitchhiking on dark southern interstate highways is no fun. This new car is modest too.  But it is quite fun, cute, and interesting.  I've already made some accessories for it which include a seat cover and a garbage bag.  Both turned out nicely but I have no pics as of yet. 

Brainstorming...daydreaming...I've been doing a lot of that too lately.  About what?  Oh, let me see.  Our house is "cozy".  It's been for sale for a while. We hope it sells one day because we need a bigger house.  We want to start a family soon. I'd like to figure out a way to work from home.  

Here's my plan (this week): create a space within the home or integrate a home so that certain spaces have multiple, yet practical and functional uses. Establish a Montessori in the home atmosphere (you can take the girl out of Montessori but you can't take the Montessori out of the girl).  I'm not looking to create a full fledge Montessori classroom filled with $30000 of Neinhuis materials.  Instead, I'd like to have lots of practical life materials (sewing, washing, art mediums, prelimary exercises, seasonal crafts, manipulatives) and of course as the children show sensitive periods to language and math, I'd get those out too.  So much of the environment can be hand made preserving concepts yet providing the experience in a way that is affordable for someone interested in having a more home type atmosphere. 

Invite five children or so from the ages of 2 to 4.5 (give or take) to spend the morning and/or early afternoon with me and my family. Our home could be a special learning environment where we'd spend time cooking, gardening, having fun with music and movement, poetry, and literature, and of course an independent work cycle. Simple, simple, simple.  Wholesome and nurturing.  All with a natural rhythm and a steady and constant pulse.  I really think it could work out.  I have thought about doing this off and on for several years now.  I love Montessori and working with children, but to me, having a class of 30 children, running it well and raising a family is a HARD job.  From the guide's point of view, there's a lot of giving going on there.  Sure, the children give back in important ways, but you know, it's time consuming. While I was a Primary guide for the past 5 years, I always found it so difficult to have the energy and motivation to keep my own private life interesting and invigorating.  So many days, I'd come home and feel wiped out. 

So if any of you out there are Montessorians and are pulling off something similar - please feel free to drop me a line. I'd love to hear about the pro's and con's of your gig.

Our family life goal is to eventually have Byron work from home as well. Everyday, he sacrafices and goes off to work in cubicle land. He says he doesn't mind, but I know he wants more. I count my lucky stars for him. He's a rock and he deserves the same kinds of options that I have.   

So that's all about us for now. I'm officially done procrastinating on holiday gifts. My secret crew of elves have arrived and are ready to get to work. Off I go. 

Adoption News

We spent this weekend at an adoption training. It was here in Austin and was so beneficial and calming. The agency who organizes the weekend really does a top notch job. There were adopting couples from all over the state of Texas and from states as far as Pennsylvania. It was so nice to meet others with a similar journey to ours. I was comforted to be in a room of couples who resembled Byron and I in the fact that they looked normal and healthy and young. Not glaringly deficient.

One stupid assumption that I make about infertility sometimes is that it happens to unhealthy people. Therefore, I must be unhealthy. By the way, I'm not. Byron and I are two of the most healthy people I know. I can't remember the last time I have had a cold. Seriously, my immune system is intense. So it was so nice to feel normal. It was so nice to share all those feelings of loss, guilt, lack of control,and ineptness that comes with infertility.  

The entire process of adoption was discussed.  From grieving the loss of pregnancy to the laws surrounding termination of parental rights for both birth mothers and parents.  The agency brought in birth parents to talk about their experience and their loss and how they have dealt with it through the years. We also got to listen to adoptive parents. Some had really straightforward experiences through the adoption process. Others had to endure more ups and downs. We learned about how to talk about adoption with children as they grow.  

The agency was very honest and real. They also came across as very family oriented and thorough in all steps of the process. I can honestly say that I feel safe pursuing this process of adoption through them. At one point the social worker conducting the training said that it's okay to admit that adoption is your second choice. It is. If we could, we would have children by birth. But second choice doesn't necessarily mean second best. There are lots of things in our lives that are second choices but not necessarily inferior.  

Byron and I were both a little nervous committing to an entire weekend of training. We thought it would be awkward, but it wasn't. In fact, it was a quite relaxing.  

Cinnamon Rolls and Autumn Envy

One of my new favorite recipes that involves yeast are cinnamon rolls. I use the recipe from this book. I have to say, these cinnamon rolls are worth the effort. Not only does your home smell of cinnamon and bread for hours, but really, they are just divine.