flowers fall

No matter how much the spring wind loves the peach blossoms, they still fall. Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood, page 78.

A couple of my blogging pals, Amanda and Rosaleen have written recently about the inspiration they have received from this book. Their words rekindled my interest in Buddhism and more specifically in one of my favorite parenting books, Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood. I read this one three years ago when Beatrix was just an infant. Last night, after intending to revisit this book for weeks now, I finally did. Once again, I was not disappointed. 

You see, there's been some soul searching happening in this house lately. Perhaps my reflectiveness stems from the changing seasons. No doubt, Beatrix's upcoming birthday certainly plays a part in the words to follow as well. 

Though I've mentioned recently of our plans to try to adopt again, I've had my share of reservations. No matter how much I've tried to work past these reservations, there's still hesitancy in my heart. It's so complicated to put into words. But, in our hallway, we have a photo wall that contains many photos of our family. Sometimes, I walk by these photos, stare at them, and feel that our family is already so beautiful, so blessed, and so complete. How could we want for more?  

When we met Beatrix in the nursery three years ago, she was twelve hours old and she was the only baby there that was not crying. She was awake, and tightly swaddled. Our social worker pointed her out to us saying, "There she is." I couldn't believe she was the one for us.  We held her just moments after. She looked at us. We looked at her. That moment, behind the glass wall of the nursery, when our eyes looked at each other's for that first and brief second, I felt in my bones that she was a force the world had not seen yet. In so many ways, this girl is a package deal.   

From that point on, we were family. The three of us.

The other day, I was digging in the attic putting away a few straggling Christmas decorations. Trying to find the right box, I opened one that contained her baby bottles, her diapers, and my Moby wrap. An itty bitty piece of my heart broke. That time of my being a mother to a babe is gone. It was short and sweet, beyond imaginable. I yearned for it for so many years before Beatrix was born and now all that is left are my memories, 40 gigabytes (maybe more - eek) of photos, and a few remnants of those days and nights stored away in our attic. Nothing stays.

No matter how much the spring wind loves the peach blossoms, they still fall. 

Several years ago when I learned that I couldn't conceive I realized that beyond pregnancy and genetic ties, I wanted to be a mother to somebody. That dream came true. I am a mother. I'm her mother. Yet, sometimes I think I still wonder if I am percieved as a mother by others (you know,... just having one child). One is so easy, right? Truth be told, am I still wrestling with the desire to be like other women? Am I still rejecting who I am and what my path is? Will having more children take away the bittersweetness of watching Beatrix grow up?

No matter what, all nests become empty. It is the nature of things. All birds fledge and all flowers die. 

No matter how much the spring wind loves the peach blossoms, they still fall. 

The lesson to myself in this quote that I've inserted throughout this text is that life isn't perfect. Things don't always turn out the way we invision. Sometimes they turn out much better, but in totally different ways. Each one of us is responsible for the well-being of ourselves. No one will heal my pain. Not Beatrix, not Byron, not my mama, not my friends, or another child. We all live with pain in one form or another. So much of this day to day existence is only a judgement influenced by perspective. What perspective do I choose to take? I don't want to spend my life longing for something that isn't in my cards. I want to accept and embrace this one incredible life that I have and the people that I get to share it with whether or not I'm their mother!

If my daughter grows up to be an only child, she will be fine. She will not be perfect. She will hurt at some point. She may have moments of loneliness and feel that she doesn't fit in. She may wish to know what it feels like to have a brother or a sister to share a room and her days with. She will have the additional identity complications that come with being adopted.

She will have her own soul journey.

The fact is, I grew up with five siblings, and I felt loneliness, at times. I felt forgotten, at times. I felt like an outsider for much of my life too. Having siblings did not protect me from the world.

There's no perfect way. Hardships strengthen. Hardships build character. One thing is for certain: she'll always have a least two people in this world who love her unconditionally, forever and always.

As for me, if I'm lucky, I'll get to grow old, and continue to learn more about this world and myself with each passing year. Perhaps, one day I'll finally develop proficient editing skills (ha!). Or better yet, perhaps I'll actually figure out how to be a successful gardener or a great cook. Maybe Bea, Byron and I will one day wonder the streets of Paris together. Ah. I can't wait. This life is a good one. 

 

 

Comments

[Stephinie]

this is beautiful.....

[Megan]

I teared up reading this, because I am having such similar struggles lately deciding whether to have a second child. I know exactly what you mean about feeling that your family is beautiful and complete...but then I see those tiny baby clothes, or I see pictures of friend's newborns on Facebook, or think about regrets I have about how I did certain things with Jack and feel like I want to do it over one more time now that I know so much more than I did then, or think about how that baby part of being a mommy will be over forever...but then I think about what is right for ME and OUR family, and sometimes I truly think that is a family of 3. I also get those sad and anxious feelings that people don't see me as really a mommy because I only have one, and that is so, so painful because truly my son is my whole world and being a mother is all I've ever wanted. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and struggles...I hope we both find peace with whatever decision we make.

[Janine Hardy]

Beautifully words, beautifully put xxx

[Rach]

Such a lovely post. I struggle with whether to have a second child too, when my one is more than I could ever ever have imagined. I have nominated you for a Liebster award http://sparklingbay.blogspot.com/2012/03/spreading-liebster-love.html

[mamaUK]

Nichole your writing here is just beautiful and so heartfelt, what you wrote about 'all nests become empty. It's the nature of things' is so true, so simple. I know I will struggle when the time comes but I need to accept it, it's the way life is.
Thank you for the link!
I think I will buy the book!

[Catherine]

Beautiful words, Nichole. Truly. I just finished re-reading that book last night and today I've read two posts about it. Moments like that make me feel a flash of connectedness. But then my thoughts are pulled back here to this dim room with my sleeping boy and I feel the truth of those words - "no matter how much...".

[amanda(sweetpotatoclaire)]

I still haven't read Momma Zen~ definitely will soon though. It's been on my list for a while and I loved Karen Miller's book Hand Wash Cold.

So much focus on delighting in what we are already surrounded by and what we have already created for ourselves....... Our actual lives as opposed to the ones we live in our heads...... (and we all know that the ones that live in our heads certainly aren't guaranteed to turn out pretty if they come to be!) I too go back and forth about whether I'd like our little family to hold at three or to one day grow. For now, like you said, it's pretty good. Beautiful, blessed, complete. Nothing screams "incomplete!", anyway.

It's funny, I've never thought that perhaps I am perceived somehow less of a mother to the world because I've only got one child. I mean, think about it- ONLY one child? We all know how much that one little child takes up! Time-wise, emotionally, etc. You are absolutely a mother, my dear. And a damn good one, I'm sure. Even if we've never actually met.

thanks for linking up with me~ have a lovely weekend!

[Miranda Makes]

Beautiful post, Nichole. Thank you for sharing this with us. I can't stop thinking about whether I will stop at two (three if you include my stepson). I always thought I wanted a 'big family', though I don't know exactly how many children constitutes 'big'. What I didn't realize is just how hard the baby stage is and I wonder whether I'd be a better mother if we stopped here and I concentrated on these two beautiful girls I already have, if I didn't throw another year and a half of grumpy overwhelmed Mama into their childhoods. I guess whatever we decide, we may never be completely sure. I dunno. This motherhood thing sure is tricky.

[Nikole Sarvay]

I'm reading into your archives this morning, and I wanted to thank you for your beautiful words and for sharing your heart. I especially relate to this post - to mourning the passing of infancy - and even toddlerhood - as my little girl turns four. While our paths have been different (I did carry my daughter, but I had 5 miscarriages before her, a complicated and terrifying pregnancy, serious post-partum depression, and have since been diagnosed with a bleeding disorder, as well as how challenging motherhood has been for me) I'm trying to sort out all of the emotions in my heart about whether we should even try to have another. To my heart, your words ring so true. Thank you. You've got another post for my own space brewing in my brain.

[Carrie]

I really needed to see this. I stumbled across your blog for the first time today. I had my daughter, now 2, after two failed adoptions and lots of fertility drugs. I have been struggling with wanting to have another baby because all my friends with kids my daughter's age are having babies again. I struggle with wanting her to have a sibling but not wanting to go through fertility treatments again. What if it fails any ways. Or what if we have triplets?! This post brought me to tears. Thank you for this. I look forward to reading this book you mention and also to continue reading your beautiful blog. It is nice to know that someone else understands the ache of raising an only child.

[nichole]

I think one of the hardest aspects of this journey is feeling alone. For me there are so few peers who have this particular struggle. Not a day goes by where my heart does not ache with the thought of not having more children. It's a hard journey but one I would not trade. Infertility has helped to shape me into a more compassionate, grateful, and gentle human being. Hugs to you.

[Julia]

I've been reading your blog for many months now (and have tried to leave comments but something always seems to go awry!) and just wanted to say that this is a lovely and inspiring post. Thanks for sharing!