airing it out.

It's been awhile since I've had a real heart to heart in this place. For some reason (there's always quite a reason), I just haven't been able to write here.

Maybe I've just needed some alone time. A quiet brain to sort through life.

I do know that I've been thinking a lot. Thank goodness, right? Trying to untangle the knots of what keeps me away. Slightly worried I'll never come back. Wondering what might take its place. 

The thing is, I never want to pretend. And I don't want to say what's already been said, time after time. 

Do you ever feel like you've reached the end of the internet? That every single article on Facebook says the same thing over and over. Seriously, I can not read one more article on positive discipline or tips to mindful parenting. I'm queesy just thinking about it. I'm exhausted by the bullet points. connection. playfulness. time in nature. blah, blah, blah.

Isn't that awful of me to speak about here? You might be wondering just how unmindful I really am. I can imagine you all unsubsribing to my blog right about now. 

The truth is, over the last few months, I've let the outside world filter through into my home world, and I feel ashamed to admit this, but it's left dirty footprints all over my conscienence. And so now, I'm cleaning house, so to speak. Shooing all of the nasty thoughts of inadequancy out the door. They are not welcome here! Can you imagine that from time to time, I've almost come to believe that I haven't been a good enough mother? That I was screwing her up? That everyone was looking at and examining our failures? And let's not even get started on the presumptions of her being adopted. Big issues here! 

It's kind of crazy, I admit. Honestly, I am tired of thinking about being everything I need to be as a mother. I'm burnt out on the task of "mother mastery". The noice of advice and to do's and parenting books and how to get it right has nearly stiffled my voice down to non-existence. 

It's a bit overwhelming and exhausting. The thing is, I'm not a perfectly happy, cheerful, and patient mama. None of us are. It's okay! We get tired. Our children get tired. We have opposite needs when our cups run empty. 

Also, while I'm on a truthful tangent -- I have other interests beyond parenting and early childhood education. I want to travel more. I want to read more. Maybe learn to become profiecient with at least one musical instrument. I want to bake bread on a regular basis again. I love to write and I adore photography. 

When Beatrix is grown, I want her to remember me as a whole person. Mom in the garden. Mom rocking out to Patty Griffin in the kitchen while kneading bread or prepping dinner. Mom sprawled out on the couch reading the Sunday NYT. Mom trying to capture the sunlight as it filters through her fern. 

I want her to see me not only as her mother (yes, who adores her beyond words) but as an interesting person to know. Someone with passions and layers upon layers of stories untold. I'm not saying we should all throw in the towel and be crappy parents and always put our own interests first before the needs of our families. No, there should always be time to reflect. We should take this on this role with sincerity and thoughtfulness. But what I am saying, is let it be. Forgive. Serve yourself. Find your joy. Then find your children, scoop them up, and love them completely for who they are. Trust in who you are. Trust in what you already know deep down at the bottom tip of your own heart. 

I'm done with beating myself (and therefore, her) up. I'm tired of thinking there is something wrong with us. That we aren't like everyone else and caring about what we must look like to everyone else. 

The truth of the matter is it's a dangerous habit to examine (and re-examine) our lives through a magnifying glass. Every flaw looks monstruous and overbearing. But really, when you toss the magnifying glass aside, and maybe even take a couple of steps back, the imperfections are what make our lives beautiful, authentic, and maybe even comfortably lived-in. So yes, my girl is a handful. An exciting, challenging, exuberant, strong, and hilarious, handful. But she's our little handful. We ALL have our hands full because really, what fun are empty hands.  

Comments

[Brandi]

So well said! I think you are reaching a place a lot of perfectionist parents get to as their kids get older. maybe you are not a perfectionist parent, but I am, lol. With babies and young toddlers it seems like there are well trodden paths to tread, it's easy to see the "right way" to do things for both you and your child. But as they get older, the paths get more varied and unsure and you get more kickback from the child, and society. And in the search for the "perfect" solution to every problem or every aspect of being gets so exhausting. I had a hard time with the 4s and 5s with my daughter and she seems to have some problems that I can't fix. Sensory issues and emotional regulation problems. And it kicked up a lot of guilt and "I'm not good enough" feelings in me and I struggled for a long time with who I was as a parent and a person. And after months and months of worry I just couldn't worry anymore. Couldn't read those same articles over and over... and I lightened up and said maybe it's HER and it has nothing to do with me, and that's okay. And it's funny how when you reach that point there seems to be nothing else to write about. I do hope that as you develop the non mom sides of yourself you share a bit of that here too :)

[Stephinie]

well said. i think we all come round this way. at least, i hope we do. we get to the end of the internet (or the last book on positive discipline) and think, all right. i'm done. i got there too. and you know, there is great strength and authenticity in just being you. in being whole. one cannot keep putting themselves under a microscope. and you will find that in being kinder to yourself, you pass that kindness on to everyone around you.
xoxo
s

[Noelle]

Yes! YES. The lists, the blogs, the over-thinking, the overdoing, the worrying, all of the FIXING. Too much, too much for everyone (if it's too much for me, imagine how much it is for a young person!?) If someone spent most of their time trying to fix me, I would not enjoy that at all (read: I would be mad!) I'm on a parenting book hiatus and just read 850 pages of fiction that made me feel good... And when I feel good, my children are happy. I'm also on a FB hiatus, because I read too much and think too much and it is all too much. All of this disjointed comment is to say, I am in the same place. I want to sew and garden and fill my barn with critters and go to the movies. I want my children to be stubborn or scared or quiet or crazy and most of all, themselves. I just want to live my life out loud - so loud that I can't hear other people's noise :)

[Brittany]

That you for writing this. I love the honesty that you bring to this space. It's nice to find a blog that portrays what is real without forgetting the good and hopeful.

I found your blog through an archived Love List on The Habit of Being. I was so surprised! We toured The Natural Child this past spring and adored it. Our son is too young for preschool, but we sometimes talk about having him join you there when he's bigger. I'll be sure to say "hi" if we see you around town.

[Miri]

Oh Nichole..
Your honesty is one of the reasons why I keep searching for your posts, while I have almost completely abandoned other blogs on my reading list.
I think the huge amount of parenting and educational resources, as helpful as they can be, have lead us to an absurd outcome. Searching for a perfect answer in some great theory, or book, or blog, we have completely forgotten the only true resource that the nature gave us. Ourselves. Our hearts. Looking for an answer deep inside ourselves is the only answer we should be looking for. Honestly, there is nothing more. We have simply forgotten what is in fact so simple and true.
And perhaps, just perhaps, there is no answer at all. Simply being there, observing, silently, just being present, is all that needed.
Id dare to say, imperfections is all that life is about.
I could have told you that you are the best mother for your daughter. Bea has chosen you exactly as you are , including all the bee inside your head. I believe in this with all my heart.
But...
All I really wanted to do, while reading your thoughts, is just... giving you a huge hug...
Thank you for what you are.
Looking forward to your next word... and photos..
Miri

[Tanya]

I am just going to echo the other comments- YES! It certainly is easy to get caught up in the "do it this way or your child will be messed up forever" type of mothering. But really, who wants that kind of pressure? I certainly don't! I want to be an authentic mother. Someone who messes up occasionally, okay, often, but who dusts her self off, learns the life lesson and moves on. I want to recognize and celebrate every aspect of myself, not just "mama".

I do hope you will continue to share in this space when you feel inspired to do so!

[Megan]

Oh my...this may be the best blog post I have ever read. And I am being utterly and completely honest when I say that. You have taken everything in my heart lately and put it into beautiful words. " Seriously, I can not read one more article on positive discipline or tips to mindful parenting. I'm queesy just thinking about it. I'm exhausted by the bullet points. connection. playfulness. time in nature. blah, blah, blah." This. Yes yes yes. I really and truly think that the information overload and the constant striving to "do it right" effects my health both emotionally and physically. A Facebook hiatus (or a permanent break!) is probably exactly what I need...right now I feel so reliant on it (which I hate!) though as my homeschool playgroup communicates on there, and I have found some great support as I plan our first year of Waldorf Kindy. Of course, that is a whole other case of information overload. No matter how many resources I gather there are always more out there and that fear that if I don't get that one more resource I will be missing out on something essential! My brain is so tired...

[ladycordelia]

ohhhhhh. thank you.
you read my post today, so you know that you are not the only one who feels inadequate at times as a parent.

gosh. so many thoughts as I read this though. firstly, I am saddened to think you might leave the blog world...if thats what you're thinking....my blog loves are dropping like flies, another today (wabisabi garden) and it breaks my heart. partially because I often find it challenging to hang in here myself. but i don't know exactly why...and I wish it wasn't so. keep writing. right here.

i am happy to hear you are a real human, struggling with parenthood here and there! i think the big secret is that no one is perfectly mindful. and that's why they call mindfulness a "practice."

our daughters will see us as real humans. honest about our feelings. i can't tell you the number of times these last weeks that I've had to tell my daughters that i am learning too, just like them, that we are all here to figure things out and mama is no exception....

maybe it's just in the stars right now, you know- an astrological thing or something..
whatever it is, I get your drift ,mama.
XO
Cory

[amanda]

oh Nichole, I LOVE this post. so, so good. truthful, no bullshit. I feel the same way about not wanting to pretend, or to just blah blah blah the same old things on different days..... and the whole "ever felt like you've reached the end of the internet?" thing? heck yeah- I, too, am SO OVER all the articles about how to be better/parent better/etc. OVER the buzz words concerning all things 'green', 'mindful', 'positive discipline', etc. we are humans, no one out there has the perfect answers in a perfect little book. I like pinterest and I spend time on Facebook (as you know) but I've had to really make an effort to notice when those things are draining me or making me feel like I'm not doing enough, etc. Because dangit, I am! and you are! there's a fine line between finding inspiration and feeling inadequate.

a while back, I read something on someone's blog (think it was innerpickle, an Aussie blog) where she recommended others to please, don't write for an audience, or for others...... write for you, whatever that looks like. I found that incredibly helpful. My blog is really just a chronicle of our days, something I hope for Claire to be able to look back through one day (thinking maybe I can get it printed out and bound every now and then or something to have a hard copy?) to see the overall story of us in her early years. And maybe beyond. It reminds me to look for the beauty and focus on that. And of course there is a sh*t ton of crap and imperfection and struggles in our lives, as there is in everyone's- but I choose to use the blog to (mostly) highlight the great stuff and occasionally hash out deeper things. I choose to keep it public because I enjoy the few connections I make here and there (like YOU!) but regularly remind myself to 'write for myself'.

love from NC,
Amanda

[Melissa N]

In a nutshell, you are struggling for balance. I'll let you in on a little secret... so are the rest of us. Welcome to the club. Hope you find your balance :o)

[Nichole]

Nodding yes in agreement, Noelle! Knowing too much is just as dangerous as not knowing enough it seems.

I'm so glad to know you in real life! And...thanks for reading...XO, Nichole

[Nichole]

YES, I remember your sweet family! Isn't funny that we are both blogging, living similar lifestyles, and live in the same neighborhood! Whether or not you decide to send your little one to TNC, we should definitely find time to visit. Thank you for saying hi!

[Nichole]

I could have written your comment, Brandi. Thanks so much for taking the time to chime in. And yes, maybe once we stop trying to fix what isn't perfect, we can accept what is, and love our children even more wholly than before.

[Nichole]

I look up to mamas like you, Stephinie, who have the perspective of hindsight. In the end, all we can do is to have love and compassion for ourselves and our children.

[Nichole]

"Searching for a perfect answer in some great theory, or book, or blog, we have completely forgotten the only true resource that the nature gave us. Ourselves. Our hearts."

Yes.

Thank you. Always. You are dear. Much love to you and your sweet family.

[Nichole]

Thank you Tanya for sharing. And always, thank you for taking the time to read.

[Stephinie]

So true. We all have to walk this path and find our own way. I only hope were lucky enough to have good company on the journey.
xo~

[Nichole]

Aw....Megan. I truly believe we make it so much more complicated than it needs to be. Children truly, truly don't need anything else from us but love and compassion.

But I don't believe that first sentence in your comment! Girl, there's been lots of great posts out there. I'm small potatoes. And always, always stunned and humbled when people relate to my words. It's not always easy for me to click "publish".

Much love,

Nichole

[Nichole]

sending love to you, cory! I know. Blogging is so hard and it's even harder to leave after making friends. Sad, sad news about wabisabi...:(

real, loving, and compassionate - that's all I can be. not always, but as much as I can.

[Nichole]

Lots of love to you, Amanda. Yes, we are dang good people!! :)

[Emily]

I felt like I was the only one ... I am so grateful to you, dear friend I have never met, for helping me out today. I needed to hear this - I have been so sad. Hugs to you!

[Meg]

Oh I just found your sweet blog today and at the perfect time too I think. Your pictures are gorgeous and words so heartfelt. Thank you for them.