the beat goes on.

 

I started to write this post on Saturday morning when Byron and Bea were out having breakfast with his parents and I had a couple of hours alone to indulge by myself. During those couple of hours, I mopped and swept the floor. Yes, that's intirely typical of me. Then, my mom called and put me on speaker phone with my grandmother and I heard grandma's voice over the phone. It's been four years since the last time we spoke. Her simple one word responses to my questions were magic. A second chance. A resurrection. I thought those moments were gone forever. 

Next, I wrote a letter to Bea's birthmother and included recent photos and tidbits describing this wonderful being that connects us to each other. 

The beat goes on.

Inside my grandmother's mind exists a whole lifetime of memories...family, friends, vacations, inside jokes, scents, seasons, meals, laughter, hard work, sorrow, disappointment, reflection, youth, pets, small moments, tickle spots, coffee, phone calls...

I know bits and pieces but we can never know the whole.

In one hand I hold hers and in the other hand I hold my daughter's. She who has almost an entire lifetime ahead of her. With memories so few in comparison...What moments will her memory fill up with?

During those couple of hours alone, I was overwhelmed with deep love for my story. Which is my grandmother's story. Which is my mother's story. Which is my daughter's story and her birthmother's story. 

An invisible thread binds our hearts together. 

I thought about the suffering we have all experienced in one manner or another. And our choices to love because it's the only true path to travel. Patched, bruised, broken, healed...beauty rests in us all. 

The beat goes on. 

I spent the rest of the weekend living lightly and enjoying the blissful fall weather that graced our parts just in time for my birthday. I always think to myself that one of the greatest gifts my mother has bestowed upon me was birthing me on October 6. Hardly a year goes by without the much anticipated and welcomed cool front that manages to blow through just in time...

It was a beautiful weekend. My in-laws had a sleep over with Bea at their hotel room so Byron and I got to have a date night AND a next morning sleep in! I finally felt inspired to do some yard work and gardening. We are still what I would consider a hardscrabble mini-homestead, but we are trying nonetheless. 

This morning, Bea and I scurried out the door as fast as we could go to enjoy every second of the brisk weather. We ended up walking down to the river and spending the entire morning at our little small town swimming hole.

We did nothing. Tossed pebbles into the water. Gathered leaves and wildflowers. Listened to the sounds. She climbed up and down the limestone bank. Stripped herself of her layers. Dipped her toes and her hands.

Created a scoop from a piece of litter. Fed her stick pony. Watered her stick pony. I sat and watched and regretted not having a book. I passed my time by taking plenty of pictures. And I also reminded myself to do nothing. To just be in the moment. With her. She played and played for hours with nothing but the elements.

On our way home we treked through a patch of woods that run parallel with the hike and bike trail. She perched herself atop a boulder and looked down upon her surroundings.

She delighted in carrying pieces of litter to the trash can in the distance all by herself. She loves little doses of independence which require her to venture off all by herself. It was a perfect little morning void of conflicts and struggles. It was just the two of us at peace and together. I hope when I'm my grandmother's age, this morning exists somewhere in my memory. 

And that was my 36th birthday weekend wrap up!! 

Comments

[Stephinie]

love this........... happy belated birthday to you~~

[Rach]

Happy birthday. Your heartfelt post brought another tear to my eye. And that second photo is breathtaking.

[amanda (sweetpotatoclaire)]

what a lovely and honest post~ and a very HAPPY belated birthday to you, sweet friend! see you soon ;)

[Nichole]

Thank you Stephinie!!

[Nichole]

Aw...you are so sweet, Rach. Thank you!

[Nichole]

Eek! Yes, see you soon. And oh, thank you, of course. XO. :)

[ladycordelia]

Oh- whatever you do, please keep writing and showing up.
Your posts are so heartwarming. Truly.
XO

[amanda]

this was so, so beautiful! i really enjoyed it + share an october birthday as well!
i love what you wrote about your grandmother. i miss all of my grandparents so very, very much.
i find myself thinking about life in new ways as i get older.
i think you may enjoy this post. it brought me to tears. i loved it + will keep it with me!
http://www.katrinakenison.com/2013/10/13/55/
and your photographs! just dreamy!!!

[Nichole]

Hmm...thanks Cory. And thanks for showing up and reading...XO.

[Gwendolen]

I just wrote you an email saying so much and then it wouldn't send to your email address and in the process of figuring out why I erased most all of my email. Gah! The essence was that some words you spoke in this post brought tears that have been lingering for the past couple of weeks. And choosing love, as it is the only path to travel (what you wrote), reminded me that I must let go in order to appreciate more deeply all that I have. Thank you for that reminder. xo.

[Nichole]

I'm sorry about the email! That's so frustrating. It's always a process of accepting and letting go. I'm learning we are never really 'done'. There's always more to learn about ourselves... which turns out to learning more about others.

[Gwendolen]

Yes, you're so right, we are never really "done". Which feels comforting...like there's no ideal place to "get to" and there's no "better" effort to be making. x.