Redemption

It turns out that being nearly five years old makes for a touch and go kind of season in our home.  My mama heart is aching with a familiar pang for the blinding unknown of what's next on this parenting journey.  In one hand, she can't stop herself from wanting to help manage and lead with the proficieny being years beyond her. And in the other hand, she is still very much quite the little girl and is still learning to manage her own strong emotions --  all while slowly having the veil of innocence lifted from her view.   She is discovering that all of us living here on this great big planet are,  in fact, not on the same page and that there are a thousand shades of gray.  Absolutes rarely exist.  I can only imagine that after a lifetime of absorbing the values of mommy and daddy (the two people that epitomize safety and nurturance), to be made aware of such complexities must feel so confusing and disheartening to a nearly five year old. 

These are stormy days.  Tantrums, yelling, whining, trouble with peers.  We are wading through the thick and murky waters of it all and we are mostly exhausted and feeling very tender.  

Though with my fare share of these cycles under my belt now, I know this too shall past. She is not done.  And neither am I, for that matter.  Grace will find us both . I'll keep trying to be the mommy she deserves.   The one that remembers to parent from the place of love and compassion. To say what I see.  To give horse rides through the hoouse and to play fetch with my human child/puppy every single day. To be the model of calm and to do my best to save my own tantrums for moments behind a locked bathroom door.   To chuck the to-do list more often than not.  And to remember that the really ugly, really unmentionable, unsavory moments,  those are the saddest cries for help. Listen carefully to those.  

Yesterday was one of those days. It'd been months since I'd felt so rattled by her behavior. I was beyond frustrated. I was just sad. And I knew she had to be feeling awful inside as well. After her quiet time, which she clings to lately (to sort through the difficulties of her days, I'm guessing) I asked her if she wanted to go to our favorite park. "We can climb the tree, pack a picnic, and just enjoy the fresh air." I was expecting her to say no because that's her automatic response my suggestions these days. But instead, she let out a big sigh and said, "Yeah, let's go." 

It was a perfect early spring afternoon. We were both in such dire need. We climbed our favorite climbing tree.  We snacked. We played Ma and Laura. We made a fairy house. But most importantly, we  just enjoyed each other -- amongst swaying wild grasses, red tail hawks soaring, pecan trees, and springs.  "It's so beautiful here mom. It's own little special spot."  Yes, it was the redemption we both longed for. 

Comments

[amanda]

I love that you ended with this radiant photo of her~ oh sweet girl. and sweet, sweet mama. we knew many of those days (many weeks, honestly) in the second half of three around here. trying, trying times, to be sure. days when I headed to bed exhausted and played things over and over in my mind wishing I'd done/said/offered something else than what I had. the days that I was able to act from a more calm and compassionate place were ones I was proud of, hard work that it is! I kept repeating to myself the whole Alfie Kohn bit about how "they are HAVING a hard time, not GIVING YOU a hard time" and I found that to be immensely helpful when I needed a shift in my perspective.

but like you said, you've been there before already- you know all this.

I wish these strong-willed (dare I say intense?) girls of ours could be closer and play and learn and figure this all out together now and again. I'd sure love to sit close to Bea's mama and watch them play ;)
xoxoxo

[summer]

What a lovely post. Photos and words and all. And I can see my 18 month old in your five year old. My Ellie is already so strong-willed and independent, and I often lie next to her at night and think what our future will be like... if its this tough now some days. But, your post is a reminder that these little ones are learning about life and their emotions and the emotions of others and its our job to guide gently and listen and love and respect. It sounds like Bea has a wonderful mother and what a special day the two of you had.

[Brandy]

Great, great words. I think you and I had the same day yesterday. My husband took our children to a little spot with just swings and they had "too much fun" and came home renewed. Though we both might feel a little inept or overwhelmed, it is good to draw on the wisdom of your different and yet, similar, experiences. The saddest cries for help, yes. If you have stories on hand of children who go out into the world, have adventures, and return home safely, that might help. Seems to be what children the age of ours need as their world grows beyond home.

[arianne]

We all have those days. Every age has its challenges and benefits. You are doing wonderfully as a mother.

[Noelle]

I have come to dread/look forward to the whole and half year "soul fever." Every time that intensity starts to bubble up and it feels like my sweet child has been taken over by someone or something else entirely, and she and I can barely stand it another minute... Then the breakthrough comes and with it a whole new child, fresh and centered and proudly sporting her new more mature self. Darkest before the dawn, yes?

[jenny newell]

i do hate those rough patches :( i am going through one now with my seven year old daughter (and before that it was my nine year old son)... she has just been angry a lot and having a hard time and i am not quite sure why. i am hoping that we can spend some quality time together this weekend and that i can figure out what is going on with her. i LOVE that you play ma and laura with your daughter... that is so beautiful :)

[Tanya]

This is such a beautiful outlook on the not-so-beautiful moments of childhood. It took me several children (and lots of learning and un-learning) to get to where you are with mothering! And yes, this too shall pass and really, something very beautiful and wonderful is waiting for you on the other side (although, as a warning 9-10 years of age is TOUGH!).

[Nichole]

summer, i remember feeling the same exact way. "if it's this hard now and i am still here changing your diapers, what in the world am i going to do with you when your 15!" yeah, those kind of thoughts. but i tell ya, after every low dip, the pendulum swings and soars in the opposite direction. she's an amazing human being and i am so proud to know her, love her, mother her! so proud of her! thank you for reading and thank you for your kind words! hugs to you, mama and hold tight!

[Nichole]

i like your idea of stories. we are such avid book lovers around here. and i lean towards classic types. the sort that touch the spirit with gentleness and lightness. another thing that i think fuels her soul a bit during her tender times are sparkle stories. she especially loves the martin and sylvie ones as well as the fairy stories. they are a balm. hugs to you and best of luck with your littles as well!

[Nichole]

Thank you Arianne! Sometimes, oh often, I doubt my abilities, but I suppose it's just the name of the game. The good news, is that parenting affords so many chances to start anew!

[Nichole]

I'm rubbing my palms together and my gaze is at full attention! I'm waiting and ready!! :)

[Nichole]

hoping you and your daughter find some time to connect this weekend! it's so hard to see your little ones wrestle through the emotions of anger. hugs to you and your daughter!

[Nichole]

oh tanya! don't reveal the upcoming chapters to me!! :) and also, i'm pretty sure you are a remarkable mama, no matter how you think of yourself. i think just the fact that we ponder and think about the mess-ups we are incurring as parents, somehow resonates into our children's souls. much love to you and your beautiful family!