Live Free

Changes

We have been on the cusp of change for awhile now. Soon, a clear line will be drawn. This spring has been so lovely. So much has happened in so many little and big ways. With more still to come.  

Birds built nest, eggs were layed, nestlings nourished,  and fledglings flew. Caterpillers captured, fennel chewed down, chrysalis's formed, butterflies emerged, and then released.  Poppies came and went. And so did the bluebonnets. There were larkspurs and sweet peas, jasmine, and evening primrose. Delicate, sweet smelling beauties. Oh April was delightful. 

The rains have come. The river is flowing. I can't remember the last time there was so much water in these parts. You should see how vibrant the green is these days. Electric. We are studying pond life because well, we have ponds again. 

If you'd judge me by the looks of my yard, you just might think I've fallen off the deep end. It's wild out there right now. Crazy wild. Thick stands of firewheels galore. In both the front and the back yard. Don't ask. I swear I sprinkled Black Prairie Mix last fall. Otherwise, I have two beds of beans, one bed of tomatoes, another of peppers, and three of garlic and onions.  All happy so far.   I have around 20 lavender bushes started as tiny twigs two years ago. They are so very full  and blooming. The stuff dreams are made of, really. But now with all this rain, I pray their feet stay dry enough to survive! And then there is the sunflower situation. They are tall and abundant.  They create a little forest of their own.  

Our neighbors left us a few weeks ago. It's been quiet without them here. Their daughter and our daughter grew up together these last three and a half years. And now, it's just Bea and I during the day. It's funny how we adapt though. Each day is less and less quiet as we get use to the new now. 

We've closed the chapter on adoption. No more waiting. Life is calling our little family and we are beyond ready.

 In two weeks, I'll close down The Natural Child for good. It's been fun, but I'm daydreaming of what's beyond.  I am certain of  a few small details (well, with as much certainty as life throws at ya): the porch will acquire a picnic table (adult size, thank you!), a string or two of twinkly lights, some hanging and non-hanging plants, and maybe, just maybe, a cool reclining lawn chair.   

Otherwise, the plan for this summer is to unwind, unwind, and unwind some more. To sit on my porch. To sip sun tea. To bask in the sun. To listen for birdsong, cicadas, and crickets. To trim sunflowers for tabletop jars. And to breathe. 

Hoping all is well on your end. And as always, thanks for stopping by. 

XO,

Nichole

 

 

Chasing Wildflowers with Kristie and Kate

Kristie and Kate -HD (720p) from Nichole Chigoy on Vimeo.

Kristie and I met in kindergarten but didn't become best pals until we were 10 years old.  We've been through so much together...training bras, Judy Blume, high school heartbreak, family loss, new beginnings, marriage, infertility, woes, adoption, and on and on. If any friend is like a sister to me, it's her. She IS my sister. She knows my story. She knows my entire family. She knows that certain scent of my childhood home. How many people in our lifetime can share such a bond? Not many...

Kate is her dear 6 year old daughter. She and Bea are the same age and are lucky that they are getting to grow up together.  It's so fun to share stories of our childhood with them.  Again, not many friends are connected in this way. 

I got to play with Kristie and Kate in the wildflowers deep in the heart of central Texas hill country. It was a splendid evening. The scenery was immaculate and picturesque. I was with two of my favorite people.  The only sounds to hear were that of bees gathering pollen and nectar, crickets, frogs, and birds. A big slice of heaven right there! 

What a fun, fun, inspiring, exhilarating evening. Oh my...nothing feels my cup up more than chasing wildflowers and taking photos of beautiful people.  

Out and about

 It's been a wet and cold week here in Texas.  This past Friday, Bea and I went to town to run some errands and to have lunch with my husband. The temperature hovered right around freezing all day.  While in town, I asked Bea if she was up for a hike around Mayfield Park. It's one the first patches of woods we hiked regularly with her. I have vivid memories of her in my Moby wrap, and then my Beco, and then a wobbly toddler, to a preschooler, and now.  Wow...

As I was saying, I thought (hoped -- feeling lazy) she might say, "nah" to the suggestion for a walk in the woods, but she wanted to get out there and so we went. We had the entire place to ourselves. The trails start out at a historic farm house which has beautiful (dormant at this time of the year) gardens, live oaks, and a flock of peacocks. The male peacocks were quite stunning as we are approaching their mating season.  

We had a blast. Bea is so sturdy these days and eager for challenging climbs.  She likes to help me find my proper footing when climbing up rocky patches and to use my donkey knees when coming down hill.  It was the perfect little outing to stretch our legs and breathe in some much needed fresh air.  

 

Enchanted Rock

Do you ever have moments where you wonder what in the hell you are doing here living civilly amongst the peoples? As if our comfortable lives complete with shelter, family, health, routines, and traditions are just a collection of onion skins layered one atop the other. And that if we took the time to peel away, we'd all revert to the wild place deep within.  We humans are adaptive aren't we? 

Yesterday, we climbed to the top of Enchanted Rock. The girl soared, like a phoenix. She's so strong, brave, and wild. I'm always a bit flabbergasted by her spirit, and by the daunting thought of raising her up right...to honor the warrior within her while taming her beast just enough to provide the tools she'll need to manage her existence in this civilized world.  I'm pretty sure that is a big important piece of my magnum opus. 

Honestly, when I witness her in her element, out in nature, doing big things, climbing granite rocks, steering bossy horses with finesse and confidence, I often feel that my soul is attached to her 45 pound body.  Less obvious to pin-point in day to day existence of our homely living, there is something unruly about the two of us -- she reminds me to pay attention to those corners of our beings.

I spent the best day out there with Beatrix, Byron, and our dear friend Ryan. There is something humbling, something truly spiritual about trampling upon a landscape 1 billion years old.  Most succinctly, at those moments, do I realize that we are just mere particles of this Whole.  All that ails us, worries us, and darkens us is fleeting, and all that delivers delight, joy, and blessing to us, is too.  

 

And for the sake of having a little fun on a Sunday afternoon here's a little ole school Ani that never fails to make me feel brave and kick-ass - and 19 years old again. 

 

xoxoxo,

Nichole

Camping on Mustang Island

 

 

 

These photos are from a beach camping trip we took a couple of weeks ago.  We camped on Mustang Island which is part of the barrier island that runs along the coast of Texas. The barrier island is largely an undisturbed national seashore - the longest in the world! It's really quite beautiful! 

However.

What was suppose to be a weekend of camping turned into a one nighter. Uh huh, yep. We've all had those sorts of camping adventures, right? I've camped on the beach a couple of times with Byron long before Bea was born. It was, well...sandy and messsy and sandy and...you know, everywhere, but I don't remember the intensity of wind that we felt on this particular beach camping trip. The wind was crazy. It whipped our tent all night long. Even while we were zipped up tight (ah...I'm claustrophic!) sand was still blowing inside of our tent. We got 0 sleep. None. At. All. At three in the morning, Bea groans, "Daddy, help us! I've got sand in my mouth!" Daddy to the rescue!  Sadly, this was out of Byron's realm of problem solving so it seemed. We all contemplated packing it up and going home. Instead, he and Bea slept in the car and I slept in the tent. Well, none of us really slept. We dozed until daybreak.

"Together we laughed for pure joy - he a baby meeting for the first time the wild tumult of Oceanus, I with the salt of half a lifetime of sea love in me. But I think we felt the same spine-tingling response to the vast, roaring ocean and the wild night around us."  Rachel Carson,  The Sense of Wonder 

And then we got to watch the sun come up over the gulf and that pretty much made us feel alive, awake, small, blessed, humbled.  We got to see flocks of pelicans fish as the sky awoke from indigo and violet to the palest of pinks and then finally to bright pink and orange.  We combed the beach for seashells and found a near perfect sand dollar.

The water was so warm and restorative. The pallet of the sea and sand was calming and timeless.  Bea loved every minute of it, especially since our neighbor loaned her their boogie boards. There is just something about a carefree day at the beach! We should do this more often.

nature trails and horse arenas.

Last weekend the three of us took a morning walk around the springs.  I take a lot  of pictures there.  I can't help it.  It's one of the loveliest nooks in central Texas, I'm sure. 

After a hardy rain just two days before, the natural world reawakened after a long summer's sleep.  We quite literally kept stumbling over one interesting find after another.  Blooms, bumble bees, giant yellow grasshoppers, crawfish, argiope spiders, butterflies, shedded snake skins, pecan trees heavy with fruit. I can't tell you how rejuvenating it was to be there. I tend to feel so despondent in August and September especially on drier years.  Catching a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel helps me to feel like there is some right in this world. I can do this. I can love this place. I can spend my days here. 

On our drive home from Berry Springs, Beatrix spotted our town's arena with its doors open -- and  a myriad of  horse trailers in the parking lot. "There open! Stop! Can we stop? Oh, it's the rodeo!"  Yes, our little town has a horse arena. Yes, in the fall, on certain weekends, there are play days where children and adults compete within their own age groups at Western horse riding events such as barrel racing and pole weaving.  Beatrix loves this stuff. She's been taking English style horse riding lessons since January and pretty much eats, sleeps, and dreams about riding horses.  She's a horsey girl through and through and back again.  So obviously, we stopped at the arena to see some competitions. While we were in the parking lot, we got side-tracked (we always get side-tracked) by a pretty palomino pony.  As her owner noticed our admiration, she introduced herself and her pony, Sassy.  She let Beatrix sit on the pony for a photo op. Then, I took a couple of pictures of Sassy without Beatrix and mentioned to Sassy's owner that I'd be happy to email these pictures to her.

She looked at me square in the eye and said, "I don't have a computer. I have horses."  

My eyes about popped out of my head and I grinned a big goofy grin, but really, I wanted to hug her or better yet, become her surrogate granddaughter, spend a bunch of time with her and let her teach me some valuable life lessons.

And that's all I have for now. Tomorrow is Friday. Horse Day for us. Beatrix will spend the morning riding ponies and playing in the barn. I'll enjoy the fresh air, good company, and the sound of content kiddos in their happy spot - outside, free, and with very large, gentle mammals. 

 

Redemption

It turns out that being nearly five years old makes for a touch and go kind of season in our home.  My mama heart is aching with a familiar pang for the blinding unknown of what's next on this parenting journey.  In one hand, she can't stop herself from wanting to help manage and lead with the proficieny being years beyond her. And in the other hand, she is still very much quite the little girl and is still learning to manage her own strong emotions --  all while slowly having the veil of innocence lifted from her view.   She is discovering that all of us living here on this great big planet are,  in fact, not on the same page and that there are a thousand shades of gray.  Absolutes rarely exist.  I can only imagine that after a lifetime of absorbing the values of mommy and daddy (the two people that epitomize safety and nurturance), to be made aware of such complexities must feel so confusing and disheartening to a nearly five year old. 

These are stormy days.  Tantrums, yelling, whining, trouble with peers.  We are wading through the thick and murky waters of it all and we are mostly exhausted and feeling very tender.  

Though with my fare share of these cycles under my belt now, I know this too shall past. She is not done.  And neither am I, for that matter.  Grace will find us both . I'll keep trying to be the mommy she deserves.   The one that remembers to parent from the place of love and compassion. To say what I see.  To give horse rides through the hoouse and to play fetch with my human child/puppy every single day. To be the model of calm and to do my best to save my own tantrums for moments behind a locked bathroom door.   To chuck the to-do list more often than not.  And to remember that the really ugly, really unmentionable, unsavory moments,  those are the saddest cries for help. Listen carefully to those.  

Yesterday was one of those days. It'd been months since I'd felt so rattled by her behavior. I was beyond frustrated. I was just sad. And I knew she had to be feeling awful inside as well. After her quiet time, which she clings to lately (to sort through the difficulties of her days, I'm guessing) I asked her if she wanted to go to our favorite park. "We can climb the tree, pack a picnic, and just enjoy the fresh air." I was expecting her to say no because that's her automatic response my suggestions these days. But instead, she let out a big sigh and said, "Yeah, let's go." 

It was a perfect early spring afternoon. We were both in such dire need. We climbed our favorite climbing tree.  We snacked. We played Ma and Laura. We made a fairy house. But most importantly, we  just enjoyed each other -- amongst swaying wild grasses, red tail hawks soaring, pecan trees, and springs.  "It's so beautiful here mom. It's own little special spot."  Yes, it was the redemption we both longed for. 

morning walk.

We took a walk around our town lake earlier this morning. Embarassingly enough, it's been nearly two years since the last time we visited this area. The morning was quite beautiful. Cold and stark. The sky was gray and the grasses were a washed out golden. A favorite palette of mine. Bea's sweater had a red hood. I love how it offered a pop of color in the photos! If I tried hard enough, I could almost imagine we were on the salty coast of a sea far, far way. Just the three of us. 

 

 

 

 

weekend update...

 

 

 

 

 

I tried to focus on getting more nature into our days this week, since swim lessons are finally over and this leaves Tuesday and Thursdays afternoons free and clear.

It's really quite pathetic how little we've been walking or biking around town these days. There have been way too many short trips to the grocery store or Target in the truck. This is the time of year to live outdoors, to take long walks to the library and back, for impromptu front yard visits with neighbors, to routinely check on the status of leaves changing colors and such, to explore the streams and swimming holes that feed into the river. 

And here we are letting this precious time of year slip by. 

After lamenting to myself about the recent fast pace feeling to our days, I did manage to chuck the to-do list once this week, and venture out to the river with Bea. It was really quite a cold afternoon. We had a few below freezing nights earlier this week and that brisk, fresh air..well, it was just what we needed. 

Bea pretended she was a princess named Esther. She lived in cottage deep in the forest. She addressed me as "Mother" and she had me speaking to her using phrases like, "Ester, daughter,you shall walk along the path through the forest" and "journey home by dusk"... Funny girl. I mentioned to a friend the other day that she is in such a wonderful phase right now. She's fairy tales, horses, and folk music all rolled into one. That's Beatrix. Sometimes, I really wish I knew how to stop the clock.

Today, we rode our bikes down to the river again. Bea and Byron did a little fishing. Bea actually caught her first fish. It was a tiny little thing about 4 inches long. As soon as she pulled it out of the water, she ran and hid behind the trees. She said she was scared about catching the fish and that she felt bad for it. 

In other news, I'm gearing up for a full week at school with a Thanksgiving Picnic followed by parent/teacher conferences. I've been doing a little thrift Christmas shopping for the little one and have found some pretty sweet treasures...I wonder what Bea will think when the day arrives and she realizes that her mama and daddy routinely (and proudly) gave her used toys as gifts for birthdays and Christmases. Just another fun quirk about growing up in this family...

Oh, I have a few more fun links to share this week. 

This is going to be my 2014 calendar. Gosh, golly, I love that Phoebe!

I just don't know if I can resist a class like this. It sounds so juicy to me!  I took so many anthropology and folklore classes in undergrad and almost persued a graduate degree in folklore studies. At the very real risk of sounding like a brain dead, dumb mom, I will say there is something so profound and universal in the human existence. 

On that note, when you feel down and out on humanity, google this flash mob production and you'll feel so much better about the world. Do it! Press play! 

 

Seeing the little girl in red hanging onto the lamp post is the point where the tears flow for me. 

Practicing this on my uke. Yeah, my musical talents are just one more way I stay humble.

The dream is still alive! Not giving up on moving to the mountains. 

 

Family trip to North Carolina

Last week, my husband, daughter, mom, and I took a road trip to western North Carolina. From Texas, the drive takes about 18 hours. We broke the drive up into two days coming and going, stopping in Louisiana. 

What a special trip! With the leaves changing, those beautiful old mountains craddling us, and my family to explore and dream with, my heart was brimming with peace and joy. 

There is something about fall. And the gentle rolling mountains of Appalachia. If reincarnation is true, then my soul must have spent a lifetime or two somewhere in her damp forests.

We all had such a wonderful time. Byron and I got to squeeze in two morning hikes, just the two of us. Quiet, brisk, and then slow, and quiet, listening, pausing, sitting, watching, breathing. There is no better date for the two us. Mom and Beatrix got to bond while being back seat passenger buddies. They enjoyed each other so much, playing all sorts of imaginary games, and sharing plenty of cute conversations for Byron and I to eavesdrop on, which made us grin and chuckle quietly.

Sleepy dreams were nudged awake.  The three of us were pretty much sold (again) on cabin life in the woods. One day, maybe, we'll find our way back to four seasons, tall trees, and mountains. 

 

 

And as if a family road trip and the mountains weren't enough to feed the soul, I had the wonderful pleasure of spending time with Amanda! We've been reading each other's blogs for a couple of years now and I've long thought it would be so great to meet her and her sweet family in real life. The first time Byron and I drove to her house, I knew immediately which one was hers without even looking at the address because it just looked like her (and the glimpses I'd seen from her photos). Quaint, homey, and oh so lovely...

And let me tell you, Amanda went far and beyond to make us feel welcomed - all while juggling work, a visit with her grandma, and a poor, sick little one.  I'm so glad we got to meet in person. Blog land is such a peculiar venue for creating friendships. Meeting her was all at once exciting, comfortable, and awkward. But mostly...it was just awesome.

On one morning, both our families went apple picking together. It was a perfect, fall day -- rolling hills, apple trees for acres and acres, two families, little girls and big girls giggling and getting to know each other.

Now we are settled back into life in Texas though a piece of my heart stayed in Appalachia, tucked beneath the mossy patches and the damp fallen leaves in those beautiful, misty mountains.